Thomas Erikson stated in his book “Surrounded by Idiots” that communication happens on the listener’s terms. Have you ever wondered why no one listens to you? How can you get people to listen more?
Many things stood out to me when I first arrived in Canada. The first is communication. My first interaction with a Canadian, apart from the airport staff, was in the airport waiting room. My sisters and I were resting after a 23-hour flight when two kind young ladies offered my sister a travel pillow. In the spirit of being cordial, we started some small talk. A few minutes into our discussion, one of the ladies remarked that I spoke like someone about to throw up. I felt offended, and our once enjoyable discussion slowly died away.
I have had many such experiences in Canada and the United States. At first, I thought these people made no effort to listen. Other times, I called them racist, but most often, I felt heartbroken. What was I doing wrong? Why did people hardly understand what I said despite all my efforts?
Why no one listens to you
Thomas Erickson’s book “Surrounded by Idiots” gave me the best answer to this question. People filter what you say through their frame of reference, biases, and perceived ideas. As such, they can interpret what you say differently or discard it altogether.
Despite the barrier of articulations and accents, we can all find a way to connect with people, hear them, and get our message across. At first, I believed my accent was the problem, but later realized I was wrong. It wasn’t always how I sounded, but how the listener perceived me. No matter what I said, if they considered me irrelevant, my views were received in the same light.
If no one listens to you, maybe you are sharing information that isn’t valuable, or they don’t consider you important.
People only listen when they have something to benefit from. In my work as a customer service agent during the pandemic, I realized that sometimes people were intentionally mean due to their perception of me. A man once told me I needed to learn better English but went on to narrate his struggles booking a vaccine and asked if I could help. After helping him out, I kindly asked if he understood everything I said – he agreed.
I then asked him, but you initially said you didn’t understand me – that I needed to learn better English. He became even more aggressive and said my English was “horrible.” Another caller asked me to go back to India a few minutes into the call. I didn’t bother telling him I was African, not Indian. However, I could only imagine what my Indian colleagues were going through.
I reflected on these events and more after reading “Surrounded by Idiots” and realized that people listen and hear when they see a need. The man above understood me at first. However, because he didn’t see my value, whatever I said went to his voicemail. Until he realized I could solve his problem. This proves Thomas Erickson’s point that communication does happen on the listener’s terms.
How to get others to listen to you
Improve your English if needed: No matter how you sound, if people consider you relevant, they will listen and most often understand your point. So strive to become a person of value. Nelson Mandela never changed his accent to fit Western standards, but people gathered in numbers worldwide to listen to his speeches. However, we can’t all be Nelson Mandela, so it helps to improve one’s English diction where needed.
Don’t worry about it: You need to make peace with the fact that you can’t make others do anything. If they don’t want to listen, they won’t. And don’t blame yourself. This was an eye-opener for me. It made me realize that I wasn’t the problem, my idea wasn’t dumb, my actions weren’t strange, and it was all a matter of perception on the receiver’s end. And I have no control over others’ views of my person. I dive deeper into how to get others to listen to you in this post “….”
Finally, as you ponder on other reasons why no one listens to you, take a moment to reflect on why you don’t listen to others. We are all guilty of letting our biases hinder us from seeing the value in others.
I hope this was helpful. I would love to hear from you. Kindly share your thoughts and experiences in the comment section.