How familiar are you with forgiveness and reconciliation? When was the last time someone asked for your forgiveness? What was your reaction? Did everything go back to normal immediately after they uttered the word “I’m sorry,” or were there a few days of patching up and mental acceptance on your side before letting go?
Like most Christians, I pride myself in saying “I forgive you” whenever someone asks me for pardon. I sometimes forgive people even when they don’t apologize or recognize their wrongdoings. Not because I desire to let everything return to normal – but because I value my peace of mind.
Despite my efforts to make peace with people, I sometimes felt uneasy whenever I met those I had supposedly “forgiven.” I was bothered because I knew I intended to let bigons be bigons. But there was still a feeling of resentment. I searched for ways to forgive and let go – and in my research, I realized the significant difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Most often, when you forgive someone, it’s second nature to assume that things will become normal between you. In order words forgiveness = reconciliation. But this isn’t often the case. These words mean different things in the world of peace-making.
What is forgiveness?
In simple terms, forgiveness means releasing someone from their offence towards you. It requires letting go of your need for an apology or revenge. You can forgive without the other person knowing. It is common knowledge that forgiveness benefits you more than it does the wrongdoer. Of course, we often want to hold on to the pain, hoping that the other person will one day be held accountable. But holding on to pain does you no good. So it’s best to let it go – move on with life – FORGIVE!
What is reconciliation?
Reconciliation is the icing on the cake. It is the restoration of friendly relations – of trust. It’s the coming together to rebuild broken bonds. Reconciliation is a bit more complicated than forgiveness. You can forgive someone without them knowing or acknowledging a wrong. But you can’t be reconciled with someone until you are both on the same page.
Reconciliation is complex because it involves a commitment to make things right. Both parties must be willing to communicate their feelings and expectations for the relationship. Remember the people I spoke of above whom I had forgiven but still felt unsettled around them? That feeling lingered because we hadn’t been reconciled to each other.
Although we acted as though things were okay, we didn’t openly discuss what happened, set expectations going forward, or reach a common ground. As such, there existed a feeling of uncertainty in my heart towards them. Will they do it again? Have they changed? And so on.
The Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation
When I understood the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, I began to look at my relationships more attentively. I tried to pinpoint those I had forgiven and needed to reconcile with and those I forgave and just needed to move on. Making this distinction is important because sometimes you have to forgive and accept that you might never be reconciled with some people.
This is particularly true in situations where the person is diseased, mentally unstable, an abuser, or unreachable. It is equally valid if they are healthy but don’t desire reconciliation. You can’t walk the reconciliation road alone. It takes two to tango. In these instances, you just have to let go – and let God give you peace.
There’s so much to say about reconciliation. Christ forgave us when he died on the cross, but we can only be reconciled to him when we take the set to acknowledge our woes and change our ways. So, next time you say to someone “I forgive you,” take a few minutes to talk about the issues and reach a common ground – only then does reconciliation occur.
I hope this was helpful and you better understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.